Are you a Church Curmudgeon?

A curmudgeon is basically a grumpy old man. But the spirit of a curmudgeon can come out of any of us whatever our age or gender. The attitude is not very helpful in church and is actually spoken against in scripture (Philippians 2:14). The Church Curmudgeon is actually on Twitter and if you’re there you should follow him for a good laugh and for a good look at how generations are colliding in 21st century church life. Here’s a few of my favorite Tweets by the Curmudgeon. I promise you I’ve heard a few of these as a Pastor and now around the Director of Missions office.

  • Counted many blessings, named them one by one. Listing all my grievances is much more fun.
  • Pastor says his sermons are relevant, but they never help me find where I put my glasses.
  • The worship leader looks depressed. Maybe I ought to write him a note to tell him how to do his job better.
  • Thou shalt not repeat that chorus one more time, for we get it already. #10Curmudgements
  • Thou shalt not steal, and that includeth my spot on my pew. #10Curmudgements
  • In the war on obesity, I’m fighting for the side that has the gravy.
  • I rarely feel so fulfilled as when I get to call the cops on the neighbor kids. What a night!
  • Church work day. I just come to see if the pastor knows which end of the hammer to hold.
  • I shudder to think about what I would have become if I had grown up with padded pews.
  • Ushers seated a new family in my spot; had to sit 36″ closer to drummer. Great is the hour of my trial.
  • Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife. But better still is Cracker Barrel, period.
  • Every couple of weeks, I wish Truett Cathy had been an Adventist.
  • Don’t know what a “felt need” is, but I’m pretty sure if you tried to minister to it, I’d knock you down.
  • Pastor wants us all in “small groups”. Been in one since ’54. It’s called “Me, Elmer, and Jake”. Don’t mess with it.
  • Put me in as a greeter. I’ll keep your service to a manageable size.
  • Pastor has his library on his iPad. That way, we can’t tell if he’s doing sermon prep or Angry Birds.
  • Understand: If you call me “dude”, I will raise cane. And lower cane on your bumptious head. It’s “sir.”
  • The bulletin’s got more junk in it than Tuesday at the mailbox.
  • The Children’s Ministry budget is outrageous! How much do flannel-graphs cost these days?
  • I don’t mind standing on the promises, but I can’t stand for a half hour while we sing about ’em.
  • Youth pastor asked me if I even had a right side of the bed to wake up on. Punk.
  • Every once in a while I raise my hand to rededicate. Helps the pastor’s totals and it don’t cost nothing.
  • I was a greeter today. Got to stay in the foyer during the sermon to glare at the latecomers.
  • Pastor, if you must be on the HD screen, trim the nose hairs. Thanks.
  • People were holier when the pews weren’t padded.
  • The worship leader was on fire yesterday. Hair gel and candles don’t mix.
  • Yes pastor, do teach us about stewardship while you sip on your $5 coffee. We’re all ears.
  • The anonymous prayer request cards are very helpful for making veiled criticisms of the worship service. Thanks, pastor.
  • Worship leader: If you’re trying to please us, “Shine, Jesus, Shine” does not count as an old hymn.
  • God takes care of the Presbyterians, Jesus takes care of the Baptists, the Holy Spirit gets the Pentecostals, is how it was explained to me.
  • Pastor, thanks for keeping your sermons short. Any longer than 30 minutes, and it’s hard for me to wake up.
  • The way I see it, things started to go south when they put in the heated baptistry.
  • Our worship leader spends so much on hair gel that he has to wear old jeans with holes in them. Sad.
  • Listened to a sermon on life’s hardships from a man who has to pay a gym to make him break a sweat. Mercy.
  • Hey Pastor, I like your missional tattoo. I got mine on a mission to kill Nazis.
  • Installed a shot clock in the back of the sanctuary. Pastor has to maintain our interest every 45 seconds.
  • There’s a reason that the Lord doesn’t want Baptists to dance. Have you seen a Baptist dance? Right.
  • Personally, I’m a cessationist. That is, I believe that church signs should cease.
What’s the Curmudgeon in you like to complain about at church?

Posted on September 17, 2011, in Ministry, Quotes. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

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  1. Pingback: “If we really wanted to be seeker-sensitive, we’d forget the coffee and put in a bacon bar” ~Checking in on the Church Curmudgeon « Lane Corley

  2. Pingback: Good Reads in 2011, part 2 « Lane Corley

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