A curmudgeon is basically a grumpy old man. But the spirit of a curmudgeon can come out of any of us whatever our age or gender. The attitude is not very helpful in church and is actually spoken against in scripture (Philippians 2:14). The Church Curmudgeon is actually on Twitter and if you’re there you should follow him for a good laugh and for a good look at how generations are colliding in 21st century church life. Here’s a few of my favorite Tweets by the Curmudgeon. I promise you I’ve heard a few of these as a Pastor and now around the Director of Missions office.

• Counted many blessings, named them one by one. Listing all my grievances is much more fun.
• Pastor says his sermons are relevant, but they never help me find where I put my glasses.
• The worship leader looks depressed. Maybe I ought to write him a note to tell him how to do his job better.
• Thou shalt not repeat that chorus one more time, for we get it already. #10Curmudgements
• Thou shalt not steal, and that includeth my spot on my pew. #10Curmudgements
• In the war on obesity, I’m fighting for the side that has the gravy.
• I rarely feel so fulfilled as when I get to call the cops on the neighbor kids. What a night!
• Church work day. I just come to see if the pastor knows which end of the hammer to hold.
• I shudder to think about what I would have become if I had grown up with padded pews.
• Ushers seated a new family in my spot; had to sit 36″ closer to drummer. Great is the hour of my trial.
• Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife. But better still is Cracker Barrel, period.
• Every couple of weeks, I wish Truett Cathy had been an Adventist.
• Don’t know what a “felt need” is, but I’m pretty sure if you tried to minister to it, I’d knock you down.
• Pastor wants us all in “small groups”. Been in one since ’54. It’s called “Me, Elmer, and Jake”. Don’t mess with it.
• Put me in as a greeter. I’ll keep your service to a manageable size.
• Pastor has his library on his iPad. That way, we can’t tell if he’s doing sermon prep or Angry Birds.
• Understand: If you call me “dude”, I will raise cane. And lower cane on your bumptious head. It’s “sir.”
• The bulletin’s got more junk in it than Tuesday at the mailbox.
• The Children’s Ministry budget is outrageous! How much do flannel-graphs cost these days?
• I don’t mind standing on the promises, but I can’t stand for a half hour while we sing about ’em.
• Youth pastor asked me if I even had a right side of the bed to wake up on. Punk.
• Every once in a while I raise my hand to rededicate. Helps the pastor’s totals and it don’t cost nothing.
• I was a greeter today. Got to stay in the foyer during the sermon to glare at the latecomers.
• Pastor, if you must be on the HD screen, trim the nose hairs. Thanks.
• People were holier when the pews weren’t padded.
• The worship leader was on fire yesterday. Hair gel and candles don’t mix.
• Yes pastor, do teach us about stewardship while you sip on your $5 coffee. We’re all ears.
• The anonymous prayer request cards are very helpful for making veiled criticisms of the worship service. Thanks, pastor.
• Worship leader: If you’re trying to please us, “Shine, Jesus, Shine” does not count as an old hymn.
• God takes care of the Presbyterians, Jesus takes care of the Baptists, the Holy Spirit gets the Pentecostals, is how it was explained to me.
• Pastor, thanks for keeping your sermons short. Any longer than 30 minutes, and it’s hard for me to wake up.
• The way I see it, things started to go south when they put in the heated baptistry.
• Our worship leader spends so much on hair gel that he has to wear old jeans with holes in them. Sad.
• Listened to a sermon on life’s hardships from a man who has to pay a gym to make him break a sweat. Mercy.
• Hey Pastor, I like your missional tattoo. I got mine on a mission to kill Nazis.
• Installed a shot clock in the back of the sanctuary. Pastor has to maintain our interest every 45 seconds.
• There’s a reason that the Lord doesn’t want Baptists to dance. Have you seen a Baptist dance? Right.
• Personally, I’m a cessationist. That is, I believe that church signs should cease.