Category Archives: Marriage & Family
I recently became the owner of a small boat that will primarily be enjoyed on a river with many very large boats. So, I’ve had to learn how to maneuver the wakes of these vessels. The smoothest ride is provided when you can be behind a large vessel so that you can be IN their wake. Outside that wake will be a rough ride. There’s a parallel here to life and family. We’re all experiencing the wakes of the people that have gone before us. The Bible says that we can make it easier for those coming behind us, by the way we live our lives.
“the offspring of the righteous will be delivered” Proverbs 11:21
“in the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge” Proverbs 14:26
“The righteous who walks in his integrity – blessed are his children after him” Proverbs 20:7
Last week was the funeral for one of my mother’s older brothers. Marty was 73, and he was the first of Joe & Jack Francis’ eleven children to pass away. This gave me an opportunity to thank God for the grace of being a part of a Godly family and the wake that I now follow in. Joe and Jack, my Grandparents, were married over 50 years. They built a successful business which they were able to pass on to their sons. They served God faithfully as deacon in several local churches. They were known for their radical generosity. They set a compelling example and prayed for their family. Now, eleven children who have been self-sufficient and are living well. Thirty grandchildren and forty-five plus (I’ve lost count) great-grandchildren are thriving. And the great-great grandkids are the pride of the bunch. It’s not perfect, but to be a part of this family is to know that you’re a part of something special.
Often times, when things go well for me, often in spite of me, I believe that its because God is keeping His promises to and answering the prayers of Joe and Jack Francis, and to those before and around them who devoted themselves to His purposes and to passing on a godly legacy to their future generations. I’m grateful for the kind wake that they have left for me and my children behind me. Praying that I can keep sailing smooth for my future generations.
Consider what kind of wake are you leaving for those who will follow you. God can redeem any story. If your fore-bearers were negligent, let it START with you.
In honor of my church planting wife on our 16th Anniversary
Sunday’s have been abnormal for my wife for the entirety of our marriage. They’ve included:
- never having her husbands help getting the kids ready for church because he’s setting up for church.
- very seldom sitting by her husband in a worship service because of preaching/sound/nursery/etc.
- going to church in weird places like apartment complex clubhouses, fire stations, former bars, & gymnasiums
- not having Sunday lunch till 2pm most weeks because he’s doing teardown & cleanup
Why? Because her husbands a church planter. I’ve never heard her complain about any of this as she has accepted this role as who she is. It’s OUR calling, she says. A calling that’s led her to:
- Lead worship for a new church’s first worship service in an un air conditioned fire station in August, WHILE 9 MONTHS PREGNANT.
- She cooked for & hosted the first new members class for a church plant, JUST BEFORE checking in to the hospital to deliver one of our children.
- She’s started worship teams, children’s teams, Bible Studies, Book Club’s, women’s ministries. She’s painted faces, painted buildings, scrubbed floors, scrubbed toilets, changed diapers, etc., etc., etc.
- She’s prepared the home for meetings probably a thousand times by now! Many times 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes twice in one day.
- She’s never complained about short vacations & creatively inexpensive date nights or about having to work outside the home because the church planters salary was, to say it nicely, below the average income for the area.
- She’s cooked & cleaned for thousands of volunteers that have served through our ministries. Many of them in the emotional aftermath of Hurricanes that had damaged our property & the property of most of our friends.
- She’s faced the emotional ups & downs of having a type A church planting husband who has faced criticism, made bad decisions, said yes to too much, & wanted to quit every Monday.
- And during all this, did I mention WE’VE GOT KIDS! Yep, she’s also an incredible mom, sister, friend, coworker, etc.
Dr. Reggie Ogea, who recruited me to plant our first church tells me every time I see him – “You know we only hired you because of your wife. We thought you were the real deal, but we knew Heather was the real deal.” And she’s proven him right over & over again.
Sometimes as I think about all of this I want to say “I’m sorry.” But she wouldn’t get it. So I just have to keep saying THANK YOU! & giving her the praise she deserves (Proverbs 31:28, 31).
Last year I talked her into telling her story to a group of church planting wives. I told her she should write it up, but she didn’t. However, I hijacked her notes (after 16 years of marriage, we can usually guess each others passwords). Here’s her outline – the commitments of a Church Planting Wife:
- I will love my husband well.
- I will not allow chaos, conflict, & criticism to completely freak me out.
- I will be who I am created to be & not compare myself to other women.
- I will take a posture of love to the lost in my community.
Grateful that she’s fulfilled & lived these commitments out. And looking forward to many more years of planting, ministry, & life with my good thing (Proverbs 18:22) Heather Corley!
Happy Birthday to my ninja warrior, Hudson. Made it through year seven without a single trip to the Emergency room, which is a huge feet for a kid that lives life at his speed & intensity. I like to say our Insurance Deductible is very afraid every time he goes outside. His enthusiasm & love for friends challenges me everyday. He’s got an incredible ability to negotiate & persuade. Always wins at monopoly. He’s one of a kind! I’m blessed that God has allowed me to be his dad. Can’t wait to see what God does with this Church Planter’s Kid! Happy Birthday Hudson!
A few years ago my oldest son defined what Fatherhood looked like to him after 7 years with me:
- Eats Alot
- Really Stinky
He knows me pretty good! And I’m trying to live up to most of this list. But being aware of what’s seen through their eyes is so important as a Dad. They learn so much from what they see, and smell I guess. My to do list for my boys: Be intentional, listen, point them to God’s Word, accumulate experience & memories. And remember, he/she may be Just Like You.
How would your son or daughter define Fatherhood by what she sees in you?
“God has given man the ability to be the best thing or the worst thing that ever happened to a marriage.” Justin Buzzard in Date Your Wife calls men to initiate, pursue, and desire our wives like we did at first. To plan and implement a strategy of devotion like we would a hunting or golf trip or a business deal. It’s what God created men to do. This book is a short treatise on what it means to be a husband. And for a generation that has no idea what that means, its a desperately needed message. Very practical. Men, a great Christmas gift idea for your wife: get this book, read it, do it. Here’s a few favorite quotes:
- “Matrimony came from Paradise, and leads to it. I never was half so happy, before I was a married man, as I am now. When you are married, your bliss begins. Let the husband love his wife as he loves himself, and a little better, for she is his better half. He should feel, ‘If there’s only one good wife in the whole world, I’ve got her.’” ~ Spurgeon
- our first date stories have one thing in common: we acted like men. We pursued our wives to be. We made the move. We initiated. We took a risk. We took the lead.
- “There is no bond on earth so sweet, nor any separation so bitter, as that which occurs in a good marriage.” ~ Martin Luther
- If you want to change a marriage, change the man.
- God has given the man the ability to be the best thing or the worst thing that ever happened to a marriage.
- A man needs a mission. Men were created to carry out a mission, and if a man does not have a mission, he feels lost and impotent.
- God have the first man, and God gives us men, a mission that can be completed only through dependence.
- Jesus doesn’t make men better. He makes men new.
- The most rebellious, countercultural thing you can do in our culture is to be happily married until death do you part.
- Vows aren’t automatic. Vows aren’t magic. Vows don’t keep themselves.
- The point of your marriage isn’t you. The point of your marriage isn’t your wife. The point of your marriage is to date your wife in such a way that showcases Jesus and His power to a world of husbands and wives, men and women, boys and girls, in desparate need of a God who can rescue, reconcile, restore, and redeem their broken lives. Marriage isn’t ultimate. God is ultimate.
Great list of 100 Ideas on how to be intentional about Dating Your Wife. Here’s a few:
- Cut something from your budget and use that money to date your wife.
- Cut something from your schedule and use that time to date your wife.
- Pray for your wife. Pray for her every day.
- Tell you wife that she looks beautiful, and teach your kids to do the same.
- Criticize your wife less. Compliment your wife more.
- Hold your wife’s hand often, in public and in private.
- Watch the kids and send your wife out to a local coffee shop to enjoy an hour or two alone.
- Brag about your wife in front of other people.
- Keep fresh dry erase markers in the bathroom. Periodically write your wife an encouraging note on the bathroom mirror that she’ll read when she wakes up.
- Write in a card the top five reasons you chose your wife as your bride.
Also, check out the author’s blog here.
“Help me understand the opposite sex.” The Bible gives us a way to understand the opposite sex through the lens of God’s commands to the sexes. God commands wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:21-23, Colossians 3:18-19, and see yesterday’s post). What does that look like everyday? Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has a great book on this subject called Love and Respect. Here are two acrostics from the book that literally SPELL out what Love and Respect look like in marriage.
How to Spell Love to Your Wife:
C – Closeness – She wants you to be close.
O – Openness – She wants you to open up to her
U – Understanding – Don’t try to “Fix” Her; just listen
P – Peacemaking – She wants you to say, “I’m sorry”
L – Loyalty – She needs to know you’re committed
E – Esteem – She wants you to Honor and Cherish Her
How to Spell Respect to Your Husband:
C – Conquest – Appreciate His Desire to Work and Achieve
H – Hierarchy – Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide
A – Authority – Appreciate His Desire to Serve and to Lead
I – Insight – Appreciate His Desire to Analyze and Counsel
R – Relationship – Appreciate His Desire for Shoulder to Shoulder Friendship
S – Sexuality – Appreciate His Desire for Sexual Intimacy
Also, check out the author’s website, www.loveandrespect.com.
“Homosexuals have just as much right to be miserable as heterosexuals!” This is a quip I’ve seen a few places by proponents of gay marriage. It’s usually preceded by statements about how Christians should focus on having better marriages themselves instead of trying to keep others from marrying. Not trying to get into that debate here, but suffice it to say that the high failure rates in modern marriage has opened the door for our society to feel the freedom to redefine and reshape it. Marriage doesn’t have to be redefined to find a happy ending for society and for couples. Just like wisdom about defining and purposing marriage is found in the Bible (see yesterday’s post here), wisdom on MAINTAINING marriage can be found in the Bible as well. And I believe it will work every time it’s tried.
What does the Bible say about MAINTAINING Marriage? It’s actually a fool proof way of maintaing any relationship, but the Bible gives some greater clarity in relation to marriage. Basic principle:
Put the needs of the other ahead of your own.
As a principle for all relationships: Philippians 2:3-4 (NASB), “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do notmerely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”
As a principle for close relationships: Ephesians 5:20 (NLT), “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
And as a principle in marriage: Colossians 3:18-19 (ESV), “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
What does this have to do with putting the needs of the other first? Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his great book Love & Respect frames this verse like this. God’s commands for wives to submit and husbands to love are a command to them, but it speaks to a God given, primary need for the husband and wife. God created men to need respect, to lead, and to thrive when respect is given. God created women to need love, affection, and to be pursued and to thrive when loved sacrificially. Putting his needs first and her needs first simply means to live out your God-given role and put the others needs as your primary mission in life.
Next we’ll look at what this looks like according to Dr. Eggerich.